From Where I Stand
What does your life look like in this moment? This is something I often forget to remember to remember. My memory is fickle. Some memories scream through year after year, for example, when I was 9, I caught 100 ladybugs in a jar and then set them all free. I hope I always remember the way it looked when they all started to fly away. Then, on the other hand, I don't remember your birthday, what I ate for dinner last night, or the conversation we had last week. It is my goal to know myself better than anyone, and that is what I am trying to do now, and always.
Change is a natural part of life, and as I stand on the edge of a million changes, I have the expected feelings in my stomach. Fear, excitement, anxiety, sadness, dread, hope. My life today looks nothing like it looked like a year ago, and it will look completely different in a few months. So, I wanted to take a moment and check in and tell you what my life looks like right now.
This is what my boys look like. Sam has officially grown taller than Jack, but somehow weighs less. He is his father's son. Jack is mine all mine, no question. The build, the freckles, the smile, the eyes, the mood. Sometimes they both look like me, sometimes they both look like Austin, some times, I pretend I don't know them (kidding). They are both about to finish up first grade (Jack for the second time since his school was working against him for the past 2 years.) Jack has new hopes on the horizon though, which I plan to talk about in its own post later. Sam is in clue (which is the smart class) at school, he tested for his senior white belt in taekwondo the other day and got it. They both taught themselves to swim in less than a week of Austin opening the pool. They are the coolest kids, I swear.
This is what my apartment in midtown looks like. I live on the third floor, on the very end of the building overlooking the street below. My door is bright teal, my walls are polka dots. I have pink lights strung in the living room. When I first moved in here, I decided to make my it a place that was near impossible to be sad in. I have a white china bowl I put my keys in every day when I come home. The yellow chair I got for $30 at a secondhand store. The black box under the table holds all of the boys toys. My bed has a grey comforter with gold stars. I have a giant stuffed elephant named Derek Shepard. I can smell the food from the sushi restaurant down the street every day at lunch time. I have a floor to ceiling, wall to wall window that I love to watch the world through. I will miss this place when it is not mine anymore. I have been here 2 years.
This is my desk at work. I decorated it with the same things in mind. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to feel at home, even when I wasn't. I have a Justin Bieber candle, a fidget spinner, highlighters that look like cute pills. A friend recently took a trip to Hawaii and brought me back a small stuffed turtle that I randomly hold in my lap like hes real. In the blue drawers I have bobby pins, make up remover wipes, period supplies, hair ties, a bleach pen, gum, eye glass cleaner, and smarty candies. In the caboodle I keep my make up and rings. I drink water from the kitten cup (begrudgingly) and coffee from a poison apple mug that Leilani gave me. My friend Kim reminds me to take my medicine most days at 2. My favorite part is the heart painting that Jack gave me.
This is what my hair looks like. I just got it cut yesterday for the first time in maybe a year? Idk, I am busy and no one ever answers their phone when I call. I digress. I got my bangs back and trimmed the dead ends. I took this picture in the chicfila parking lot after I drove for 20 minutes on my lunch break for a frosted lemonade. I seriously live at work and it's been 4 months and I am still adjusting. Desk jobs are not to be understated. My face looks like this too, but I wear pink cat eye glasses most days.
This is what my body looks like, it squishes in a way I am still not used to. I have not always liked my body, I have not always been kind to my body, but this summer I have decided that it is the best body I could have asked for. I decided to love it. I got tired of looking at swimsuits online, seeing super skinny people and feeling jealous, like I couldn't wear the swimsuits and look as good. It is my own problematic thinking of course, but I decided to put a pin in it for now. This is my body, it is healthy and it is my forever home, and I will be showing it off this summer like nobody's business. Fight me.
This is what my medication look like. I recently noticed my antidepressant and the peace it brought me was starting to wane. It was very sad, very scary. I sat in denial for a little longer than I should've, but last month, I went to the doctor to face it. He put me on two new ones that I am gradually increasing every day as I gradually wean off the original. These new meds make me very aware of my heartbeat, lightheaded and clearly WIDE AWAKE at night when I should be sleeping. My nightmares haven't gone anywhere. I take 3 of one pill, two of the other, and one of the old reliable. Time will tell if these are the ones.
So that is my life right now. I can't say that I am where I thought I would be, but I am very thankful for everything. I kind of hope I never get to where I am going. As long as I am working towards it, I am moving forward, I am alive, I am well. I found a journal from when I was in fifth grade the other day and it had a fill in the blank question. "I can't wait until I am ____ years old so I can _______________." I wrote in, "I can't wait until I am 27 years old so I can be married, have kids and make a difference in the world." Little me would be very happy with where we are.
What does your life look like?