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Back and Forth

How do you make friends?
How do you keep friends? 
What are friends?
Am I a good friend?
Are you a good friend?

Do I have friends?
Do I want friends?

Do I want friends?

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This is something I ask myself a lot. Like, let's say if there's a party, and no one invites me...my first gut reaction is to feel left out, which is hurtful. But then I ask myself, "did you even want to go?" or "would you have even gone if you were invited?" Is that just a coping mechanism or do I really not care? Have I been conditioned to care when my friends "leave me out" of things? 

I thought about weddings the other day, and how i've never been a bridesmaid. That one was not that hard to satiate in my brain. I quite honestly don't care about that. Every single person who has ever been a bridesmaid that I have spoken to has hated it. They love their friend of course, but they HATE being in the wedding party. So why do they agree to it? 

I don't hang out with a lot of people a lot of times. I have a lot of work i am always doing and I usually just want to see my kids when I am home. Plus, I don't like doing many things, and I don't know how to initiate things even more.

I don't want to go out to a place that will make me smell like cigarettes until the wee hours of the morning because I am freaking tired and try to only do laundry once a week.

I don't want to have people over because 1) my place is too small to entertain and 2) i dont know how to entertain. I cant cook or decorate or organize my ideas well enough to execute a night where people come over and i play hostess...plus, I have an overwhelming fear that no one would come anyway. I have had parties before, and not once did no one show up, so the fear is completely irrational, but it is still there.

I don't want to go to brunch on the weekends because the weekends are when I can sleep in, be lazy, not wear pants, etc. I also don't like spending money unnecessarily on eggs benedict when coffee is all i want and I don't even like eggs benedict.

I am not in a couple, so I do not get invited to do couple things like double dates or things of that nature, which I am ok with, but it is weird to not have a romantic entanglement to fall back on when all of my friends are busy. But that is not why you have partners anyway. I don't want that to be why anyway. 

I am not religious so I do not have a bible study group or a tight knit group of gals from parents day out. I was never good at making mom friends anyway. I am not sure why.

I cant join a book club because I am guaranteed to fall behind and that makes the whole thing obsolete. Believe me, I have tried.

As a mom, I am hesitant to invite people over because before I had kids...I did not like kids. I am great with babies, but I mean, just from my own pre mom experience, I didn't like to be around kids when I didnt have to be. I project that onto others, which i know is unfair and I am doing better about that now, but still.

I don't know, I think I am just lonely but too busy to rectify it and too detached to care. I have been meaning to bring it up in therapy but I cant form the words, "I feel like I am detaching from most of my life." Half of it is just pure exhaustion and the other half I think is a fear of pain or rejection in some way.

I have lost 3 friends, best friends, that I still miss on occasion. One friend it was best to part with and I don't think about her too often, but it was hard at first. One friend is there but not really so its this awful limbo thing I can't climb out from under. One friend I miss every day and I have no idea why she took away the friendship. This is tangenting more than I wanted so let's backtrack.

Do I want friends? They say no man is an island, but who are they to say? 

I am in no way trying to play a victim here either, just throwing that out there. I am sure I do plenty that make it difficult for people to think of me, I am fickle and sometimes unreliable or busy, I am sometimes way too much, other times I am not enough. I know all of that, but at the end of the day I wonder where my friends are. 

Where are yours? Do you have real ones or do they just look that way in photographs? How do you know if your friends love you the way you love them? How do you know that you and your friendship matters to them? How do you know that their friendship matters to yourself? 

So do I want friends...I don't know, I go back and forth. I'd like to go see a movie with someone sometime, maybe lay in my bed and listen to a podcast. I am very lowkey, maybe that is the problem. Maybe I am the problem.