I work hard every day to find things to smile about so that the dark doesn't swallow me up. That sounds extremely over dramatic, I know. You're not telling me anything I don't already know.
Hi, hello...this is my head we're talking about here.
The internal monologue of my life exhausts no one more than me, I can promise you that. There is no off button, and lately it is playing in surround sound stereo mode. With the move, the movers, the new job, the summer ending... I haven't felt settled in weeks, maybe months.
I can walk through my feelings like you walk through an art museum.The old apartment, full of boxes and bags, a chapter closing. My chest felt heavy every night, but I tried to be hopeful and positive. I told myself this was an onward and upward move and that it would work out.
I hired movers. The lack of control, the fear, the anxiety, the small talk. My stomach tightened at the first glance of them touching my things, and it hasn't relaxed since really. Don't even get me started on the money that I scrimped and saved for this move, my big independent move, only to be gouged on the price, charged the deposit twice, charged for supplies that weren't used and then spoken to like I was a moron when I demanded a refund. Not to mention they broke several plates, decor items and my printer AND didn't even move two of my heaviest items. Let our family move your family, my ass.
The new place, beige walls and brown carpet, I cried minutes after I turned the key. I am fairly intuitive but I doubt myself often because of how "worst case scenario" i can be. It is in my nature, but I try. I felt bad in this place from the very beginning and it hasn't lifted since. It has been 10 days. I have killed 50+ bugs, they crawl out from the ceiling and the baseboards, I cry myself to sleep...when I can sleep. I set traps, they walk around them. The bugs live there, not me. The ceiling fan is falling down, the sinks are broken, the toilet runs, paint stains most of the floors, it was clearly not cleaned before I moved in. Lessons learned, you're welcome future me.
Luckily I have amazing people in my life that let me cry, let me hyperventilate, help me kill bugs, let me share their homes, etc. What would I do without you?
I am trying so hard to be the happy, laughing person that you know, but honestly, I just don't feel like it. All my energy is being spent on other things and today, I am just existing. But I am trying. I will never stop trying, and in that way, I am winning. You cannot call a match that hasn't ended, and I am still in the fight, just taking the hits and planning my next moves.
Rope a dope.