So I Went on a Date
There isn’t even much to say about it except that it was nice. Wonderful even. I liked him and his company, his smile and the way he held my hand. The conversation flowed in an intentional but not forced way. I laughed and smiled a lot. I was so nervous that I took my glasses off so I couldn’t fully see him. That is a little trick for my fellow four eyed friends out there. If I can’t see them, can they see me? :)
Later that night, I fell asleep feeling calm, feeling good. My cynical heart wouldn’t allow that to stay for long though, and my cautious and superstitious nature is keeping me from elaborating more on the who and the what and the where of it all. But I feel good about this, so I am choosing to keep it as my own for a while.
Aside from the specifics, I am trying to remember to be brave, to not be afraid. To go into this situation with a clear head, an open heart and a willingness to learn, try, fail or succeed. I am trying to remember just to enjoy time with another person without letting anxious, intrusive thoughts psych me out. And, oh, how they will try.
I am scared. I like to think that I am not afraid of anything (except snakes) but this…this nice evening out with a handsome, smart, funny man… this scared me.
It is a heavy thing to choose to share yourself with another, to allow them into your life, to give them permission to hurt you. I have been hurt before, we are talking earthquake level pain. I have been lonely, let down, neglected, lied to, ignored and just heartbroken. On the other hand, I have also lied, hurt and broken the heart of another.
So who am I to be nervous? The answer is I am human, and humans are fickle, unpredictable. Each human has their own thoughts and feelings swimming around inside of them, their own wants, needs, goals. It is insane to think another human could ever lower the walls enough to let me inside, and even more insane to see myself doing so…again.
But fucking hell, I am going to try.
I do not think that a romantic relationship is something I need for personal fulfillment. I do not see it as a means to an end like a lot of people do. I feel like I have experienced great love in my life and I know that I can easily be happy alone, because I am never truly alone. I have built myself a life I enjoy living, I relish in my alone time, I love being myself by myself.
But to come home to someone and feel completely seen and understood and cared for until the end of forever, the idea alone is so sweet that I will continue to try until it sticks.